There is so much vulnerability in hope. When you hope you acknowledge that there is something you are seeking, something you want. Not getting that hurts, because it means something to you. So, we use fear to dull hope. Take the shine off things, don’t get your hopes up too much. That was when you crash it won’t be so bad. Yet…what happens when you don’t crash?
Feelings can tell you a lot if you listen. It seems like people will often either jump to a conclusion about why they’re feeling how they’re feeling or overanalyze to the point where the feelings are not felt. I find I have to accept and experience before I can explain (and then usually by talking to a couple friends about The Thing).
It’s important to do because these signals are easy to misread. I’m getting better at letting it become just noise I tune out. It’s important to get people to articulate their expectations. If they do not voice them you are just attempting to mind read. I’m not terribly bad at that but, if you’re mind (/body / intonation) reading then you can neither cleanly accept nor deny requests.
I feel like there’s this hurdle I have to jump over in relationships with people “it’s okay if I’m sad or afraid or feeling whatever it is I’m feeling. You don’t need to fix me or offer advice. I just need to be able to express my emotions.” Once we’re past that point and they realize I mean it, things are much easier. Having to bottle things up just makes them much worse for me.
Self-actualization is an important life goal to me—being more than I am now, always learning and growing. The other-but related-aspiration I have is for emotional honesty. Not just accepting the easy answer but, looking for the deeper reason. The truth, even if it isn’t a pleasant truth.
In love is a different thing. If I’m in love the person easily floats to the top of my list. I’m a workaholic, so just love isn’t enough for the person to be center stage. It’s a hard thing for me to balance. I love my work and what I do with my life, I forget about people at times. In love..the person is an anchor that does not bind me down. With love…I will empty my bank account for any of those people. I will hop on a plane without hesitation (I can set aside work but, I have to be aware something is up).
I don’t think I’ve started with hey…actual statement is context appropriate friendly gesture. The opener usually being a sad half-smile and a sigh/shrug.
If there’s one thing I would tell an NF on the job hunt: interview your boss. I had one that was passive-aggressive and micromanaged me. That job was a nightmare. At the same job, I later had a different boss who gave me freedom and sheltered me from drama—huge difference. A good boss can make a bad company acceptable, a bad boss can make a good company painful.